FBI Director Job Application

Dear President Trump and White House directors to whom this may concern,

As of this week, there has been a widely covered occurrence regarding the removal  of James Comey as FBI Director. Due to the absence of the highly honorable position, I’d like to submit myself for consideration to fill the vacancy. I have the utmost confidence you will find my relevant credentials and experience as sufficient qualification for the job.

Credentials (like they really matter)
-I don’t tell the truth
-Good liar
-Talented bullshitter
-Keeps secrets
-Loves the Blacks and Mexicans
-Big hands (but not as big as yours, Donny)
-Speaks goodly
-Photogenic (better on left side)
-Listens to Kanye West (Trump/ West 2020)
-Has Ivanka Trump phone background
-Sometimes says no to drugs/ alcohol
-Eats steak well done (with side of ketchup, of course)
-Avid Tweeter
-Can recite pledge of allegiance (American and Russian versions)

-Watches Fox News daily (the only real news channel)
-Writes bad Yelp reviews for Starbucks
-Uses failing New York Times as kindling for bonfire
-Watches Law & Order frequently
-Seen first 2 seasons of Lie To Me
-Started an episode of Quantico
-Viewed hours of Cops show after school from 6-8th grade
-Seen Silence Of The Lambs (overrated)
-Seen 21 AND 22 Jump Street (with very talented Jonah Hill and Channing Tatum, nice guy)
-Watched 1st half of The Heat (with Sean Spicer’s twin sister, Melissa McCarthy, and Sandra Bullock who is a 7 at best. 8.3 when she went blonde in The Blind Side)
-Seen Inspector Gadget (brave man)
-Bangs on weed dealer’s door yelling “FBI Open Up!”

-WikiHow.com “How to be FBI agent in 16 Easy Steps”
-YouTube “What does FBI Agent Do”
-YouTube “How to hack ex girlfriend’s phone. Easy version”
-Google “Who is James Comey”
-Trump University free trial
-Read a book

-John Miller
-Frederick Douglass
-OJ Simpson

Due to my impressive resume and inspired ambition, I trust I will receive a job offer expeditiously. To which I respond affirmatively, seeing how I am more than qualified and need a job after college. I give the ultimate appreciation for your time and consideration seeing how facts, credentials, and experience no longer matter. I look forward to contributing to the efforts and actions of the President and White House to keep the entertainment industry thriving. Let’s think big and kick ass!

-Jonny Scott


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